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How to Create Your Boldest Career w/ Christie Hunter Arscott

We live in a world today where change is the norm, and it may feel like you are constantly being asked to embrace uncertainty and take risks that feel uncomfortable or downright terrifying in order to achieve your goals and aspirations. I have always found that my biggest rewards in life have come from the biggest risks I’ve taken, but I also know how terrifying those moments can be, and can think of times in my life when I didn’t take a risk I felt called to take and later regretted it. 

So today my guest is going to help us create a whole new mindset around risk and teach us how to make bold moves that help us grow and accomplish our dreams. Christie Hunter Arscott is a woman who walks her talk. What she is going to encourage you to think and do today is something she lives authentically every day. She’s also ALL about creating the most expansive career and life possible, both for herself and all of the clients she serves who work with her directly or read her book. 

Christie is an award-winning advisor, speaker, and author of the book Begin Boldly: How Women Can Reimagine Risk, Embrace Uncertainty, and Launch A Brilliant Career. A Rhodes Scholar, Christie has been named by Thinkers50 as one of the top management thinkers likely to shape the future of business.

 

Show Notes:

[4:22] – We think about risk as something we need to minimize, which causes us to hold ourselves back.

[6:07] – Christie noticed that the most successful people she admired thrived because of their hunger for risk.

[7:42] – We’ve been conditioned to play it safe and while we shouldn’t go live recklessly, risk taking should be intentional.

[9:45] – As women, we tend to try to avoid failure.

[11:13] – The concept of evolving is what changed Christie’s outlook on taking risks. We are in a constant stage of experimentation.

[12:20] – Risk, reward, refine, repeat.

[14:03] – Failure is linked to a bold life and career.

[16:10] – Christie shares the most life changing ah-ha moment she has ever had.

[17:07] – Confidence is not the biggest indicator of success. The most successful women leaders don’t show up confident everyday. It’s not a prerequisite.

[18:03] – Show up courageously. If we wait till we’re confident, we will never begin.

[20:13] – Readiness isn’t a feeling. It is a decision.

[21:06] – How you phrase things will either illicit action or inhibit action.

[24:08] – Christie explains how we look at risks to decide which are the right ones to take.

[25:04] – The risks or bold moves that are worth taking are the ones that have a motivation that matters.

[27:31] – What is the reward? Ask what the reward is for risking, the reward for not risking, and the reward you want.

[30:15] – What is the cost of inaction?

 

Connect with Christie:

ChristieHunterArscott.com

LinkedIn  |  Instagram

Begin Boldly: How Women Can Reimagine Risk, Embrace Uncertainty, and Launch A Brilliant Career

Links and Resources:

Instagram  |  LinkedIn  |  YouTube

She Sells with Elyse Archer Home Page

Abundance Mini Course

Join the $10K Club

Apply for the $50K Club Mastermind

 

0:02

Hello, hello well we have a very special different type of interview for you

0:08

today and I say we because we’re doing something on the podcast that we haven’t really done before and so if you’re

0:15

listening to my show She Sells Radio you know me I’m Elyse, I’m your host but we

0:20

are also joined by an incredible guest slash co-host because Diann’s going to

0:26

be producing this for her own show as well so Diann you want to say hi and introduce yourself

0:32

this is Diann Wingert of the driven woman entrepreneur podcast and I guess we are kind of co-hosting today but it’s

0:39

all a big experiment so let’s have fun it is and I’m I’m excited for this for a

0:45

number of reasons and I think Diann you were just sharing with me before we hit record some really big takeaways that

0:51

right away I think our listeners can, can benefit from so I want to get into

0:56

those in a second before I do I’ll give just a little bit of context for the interview and what we’re you know what

1:03

we’re doing here so this can make sense because I know we’re both going to be airing this on our respective shows and

1:09

so I was looking a little while back I was doing like a little bit of online stalking and just looking for top

1:15

podcasts for female entrepreneurs and your show came up like right at the top of the ranks and first of all that’s

1:22

impressive because there’s so many shows out there for female entrepreneurs so you have built something really really

1:28

incredible and I remember researching your show and looking into your audience and I was

1:33

like oh my gosh like I love her no BS approach I love how direct she is I love

1:39

her street cred too and thinking that your audience was in many ways there was

1:44

overlap between your audience and mine and you obviously work with a lot of female entrepreneurs coaches consultants

1:50

solopreneurs which we’ve got quite a few of those who listen here too and I thought wouldn’t it be fun to do a swap

1:57

and so we had actually arranged to do a podcast swap for tomorrow and then my

2:04

sweet husband Jason because tomorrow at the time of this recording tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day he was like hey babe you’re free all a Valentine’s Day right

2:10

I was like it’s a Tuesday and I generally like I love you I I appreciate the romance I

2:17

generally have things planned but he had some stuff planned for us throughout the day and so you were flexible and it was like hey let’s hop

2:23

on today and let’s let’s record one episode together and and I’m excited

2:28

for this Sunday and you had pulled these three powerful kind of bits of learning that I think right away like we’re gonna

2:35

give some context for who we both are for each other’s audiences but right away I’d love if you you want to dive in

2:40

and share some of what you shared with me before we were recording because I thought it was so powerful absolutely you know very infrequently do things go

2:49

exactly as we had planned in our business in our lives so when the unexpected happens and something you’ve

2:56

been very much looking forward to like our interview exchange our pod swap had

3:01

a threat of being cancelled it was either going to be an opportunity to indulge in disappointment or shift into creative

3:07

problem solving and Elyse provided the opportunity to do door number two so I

3:13

think one of the takeaways for how we made this happen in the way that we made it happen is that we always have the

3:19

opportunity to respond instead of react but not only that if we never take risks

3:25

and exercise vulnerability we’re never really going to know what level of trust

3:31

and self-confidence we’re capable of I have to be clear this is our very first meeting even though we’ve had a few

3:38

email exchanges so did it require a little bit of trust and a little bit of vulnerability to take the risk and do

3:45

something I’ve never done before which is a co-hosted interview you better believe it but I am here for the growth

3:51

and the learning and lastly I’m always intrigued by the possibility that I can get the same or even better

3:59

results with less time and effort and it would have taken us twice as long to record two separate interviews so I’m

4:06

here for all of it I love all of that so much I don’t know do you know Laura

4:12

Meyer by any chance not yet uh you two should know each other she’s been a guest on the show she said I think you

4:19

two would be super aligned but she said to me something a while back about just networking and getting

4:25

to know people and she said I don’t do General networking which I I don’t really do either like to me like there

4:32

needs to be a purpose there needs to be an intention but she said if I do I record it I’m like hey let’s record it let’s make it a podcast interview and

4:38

she’s built a very successful business that way as well just with being very intentional about networking and

4:44

relationship building and so I think to your point of how do we get the same or

4:49

better results with less time and effort it’s all about efficacy right which you want to be thinking about for the growth

4:56

of our businesses so why don’t why don’t we do this because again we’re kind of ebbing and flowing here and we’re having

5:02

fun and we’re figuring it out as we go so I know my listeners will appreciate

5:07

that and yours probably will too I think people like an authentic conversation but Diann let’s give some background

5:14

on you share a little bit more about who you are what you do what I know you transitioned from therapist into coach

5:20

right so I’d love to hear a little bit more about that Journey for my audience actually there was an earlier transition

5:27

my very first career was in medical sales so I got trained how to sell to smart

5:32

people mainly Physicians I had a second career as a psychotherapist and a

5:39

professor of social work I was in that career for quite a long time the last five years of it was in a private

5:44

practice where I mainly worked with powerful women at that point I realized I had kind of

5:52

outgrown the role of being the support person and I wanted to be the person who would

5:58

start challenging people so what the way I phrase it is I shifted from focusing the conversation on problems to

6:05

possibilities because as a coach I can be much Bolder I can be more

6:10

confrontational but in a good way and instead of accepting someone’s limiting

6:15

beliefs about what’s going on in their life I could directly challenge them and say now we both know that’s not true

6:22

so the type of coaching that I do really helps people who are really ready to let

6:29

go of whatever is holding them back and you and I both know oftentimes that’s not the lack of skill it’s the lack of

6:36

Will and the mindset so true it’s so true and you said

6:42

something I want to Circle back to a bit or we could do you know we could dive into now just the

6:47

your Readiness to transition from being sounds like I think you said the support person writer the person behind the

6:54

scenes to really being in the center stage I know that for me was when a lot

7:00

shifted in my life and it took a lot to get there it took like a lot of getting fed up with not living I talk

7:07

about like the fullest expression of myself um and there’s definitely a lot of elements of playing small in that and

7:12

then I know for our community too that is that’s a Common Thread is that

7:19

people are done playing small yes maybe you can Riff on that a little bit and

7:25

talk about what you see with with your clients and in your own life like how that transition occurred and was it

7:31

scary to finally say no like I’m gonna step into the spotlight of my own life and do this

7:37

thing big well I will say one of the things that I think served me is that

7:42

it’s undeniable that with the passage of time as a woman fewer opportunities are coming your way so I last worked for

7:50

someone else when I was in an executive position running a large mental health agency and the CEO that I reported to

7:57

was both incompetent and unethical and since I am neither of those things that presented a problem now at that time I

8:05

knew based on my age and my stage of career if I went out looking for another job it was very likely that I was going

8:12

to experiencing something similar or worse so I needed to bank on myself and

8:17

start my own business for the first time in my early 50s I had zero experience

8:23

running a business I was going to have to generate all of my own referral sources and get people to pay me

8:30

directly for something that I had been paid in indirectly through government contracts for so it required what I now

8:37

affectionately referred to as a major boss-up because I needed to go from

8:42

being a boss in an organization to being the boss of my own life and carving my

8:48

own path of course it’s scary it’s absolutely terrifying but you’re absolutely right about reaching that

8:54

point of being fed up I describe it as just being sick of my own I don’t know

9:00

if it’s okay for me to swear I I have an explicit rating oh good I have an explicit rating on my podcast so I can

9:07

express myself however let’s get me one if I don’t have one yet let’s be ready well at least at least for this episode

9:12

but I I literally had to get sick of my own at least I literally had to get sick of hearing myself say to myself and

9:21

to others why I can’t do something that I hadn’t even tried to do and there’s

9:28

something about the gift of Aging where you realize you know you know

9:33

if not now when because there will come a time for all of us where it’s going to

9:39

be a lot harder and you will only have more time to accumulate more excuses so

9:45

that was go time for me oh my gosh yeah it’s so interesting the parallels

9:52

there’s obvious differences but parallels too and your experience in

9:57

mine and you know my community who listens for the most part is like familiar with part

10:02

of my own story was I was stuck at the same level for 10 years and like couldn’t break through a certain income

10:08

threshold was kind of living like a good but not a great super fulfilled life and

10:13

for me too it was the perspective shift mine was a little earlier in my journey

10:19

I think I was like 45 when it happened but it was the perspective shift of like

10:24

I’m not getting any younger no one is coming to save me I realized how much I

10:30

was waiting for someone to come give me permission and validation yes did that

10:35

like did you have that aha too where it’s like who am I waiting for I don’t even know I think I think that’s part of

10:41

our cultural conditioning I mean it’s no mistake regardless of what generation you’re in that women have been

10:49

culturally conditioned to be nice to accept what’s given to us to be

10:56

satisfied with what we have and when we want more more money a bigger position

11:01

more responsibility more freedom more creativity we are labeled all kinds of

11:08

negative things including the most famous One the letter that starts with b and ends with so I think

11:16

part of what we need to experience what I experienced and I’m certain what you experienced is that instead of looking

11:23

to others to tell us who we are what we could be what the fullness of our

11:30

potential looks like and that it’s perfectly okay to go after it and have

11:35

it we have to make that an inside job because even if you’re lucky enough to have a mentor

11:42

you’re you are still going to reject what he or she says until you

11:47

internalize it so I think that’s something I really want more women to understand sooner than I did

11:55

not only is nobody coming to save you and no one’s coming to empower you but

12:02

you have to be willing to take full responsibility for doing that yourself

12:07

because you will get pushback and you will get shade and you will get hate even from other women and you got to be

12:13

ready for that oh my gosh yes I’m curious so I’ll share kind of like a

12:19

little piece of my journey there that I want to ask you about this so in my journey when I made the

12:25

decision to stop playing small and I had a good like it was a good life I was the

12:30

family was you know taking we were I share numbers just because it’s like

12:36

helpful for context sometimes that’s part of what I find helps my audience but like we were doing like low

12:41

six-figure income like everything was fine I’m good I had like a four month old at the time and I just had this kind of

12:49

download of it’s time to stop playing small because there was still these desires on my heart that I found myself

12:56

saying no to I wanted to retire my husband from his he was working night shift at a hospital like he wanted to

13:03

study to go to medical school and I wanted to be able to retire him so that we didn’t have to rely on his

13:09

income for our life and uh wanted to play a bigger game with giving and

13:15

charity and wanted a better lifestyle like I’m not ashamed like I wanted a better lifestyle you know six figures doesn’t get you what it used to get it

13:21

that’s for sure and it was this like awareness of

13:27

oh crap like I’ve I’ve been playing so small and again to what you just said

13:32

I’ve been the only one limiting myself and I felt I kind of just prayed in that

13:37

moment it was like guide me like whatever I need to do God Source Universe would guide me and I will do it

13:43

very quickly got the nudge to make a it was massive for me at the time it was

13:50

half of what I made the whole last year an investment in coaching with a woman who specialized in helping women become

13:55

seven figure earnings like Mom specifically it felt petrifying but when I decided to do it I told no

14:03

one like I told almost no one I told it because I knew enough that to your point if people won’t understand it was like

14:09

if I bring this up with anyone they’ll say you’re crazy what are you doing you don’t have the money for that

14:15

that was the thing that after I made that decision within six weeks my income

14:21

10xed and it it has continued to grow and build from there but if I had

14:26

stopped and asked for permission or asked other people’s thoughts like the only people I told were my husband and

14:32

my best friend who’s on a similar growth path if I had asked anyone else they would have said you’re crazy what are you doing so when you made that decision

14:40

to say yes to yourself and to step out on your own did you tell a lot of people or how did you kind of safeguard that

14:46

dream and that vision from being watered down by other people’s doubts

14:53

excellent question this is very likely because of my childhood trauma history

14:59

but I’ve come to understand that I have an enormous capacity to tolerate pain

15:05

and to that point I think I stayed in situations many kinds of situations over

15:11

my lifetime much longer than I should have much longer than I needed to much

15:17

longer than it was healthy because I had become so strong it was almost like a badge of honor that

15:25

I could stick it out now I realize well that’s a great way to waste your whole

15:30

life proving how strong you are instead of leveraging that strength to make your

15:36

life better and the lives of people you care about so I I would say that understanding that

15:44

it’s saying yes to yourself will seem like you’re saying no not only

15:51

to other people but saying no to who you’ve been and I

15:56

now believe because a lot of the work that I do is around uncovering your zone of genius with that comes the

16:04

understanding of all the upper limit issues that you have that keep you in

16:09

place whether it’s in a dead end marriage a dead-end job stuck at an income platform plateau and so forth you

16:16

have to be able to understand when you think these thoughts it’s not because they’re true

16:23

it’s because your ego is trying to keep you safe

16:28

trying to keep you alive we should be teaching these Concepts in elementary school because by and large unless you

16:36

are in personal development or coaching the fact that you are thinking all the

16:43

time and that everything you think you believe even though ninety percent of it is absolute worthless crap is completely

16:50

foreign to you my gosh this is so true this is so true

16:55

our little guy is uh two and a half now we’ve got another one on the way in like two weeks and I am I’m like now that I

17:03

know that but most of my life I didn’t know this stuff now that I know it I’m like brainwashing it consistently yeah

17:10

affirmations like all this stuff because we are being brainwashed especially the first seven years of our life right and

17:16

then we take it over for ourselves like you’re I always say that when you’re born your brain is an empty field of

17:22

fertile soil so the seeds that get thrown at that brain in the first seven years are going to sink deep because

17:28

there’s nothing else planted there and they’re going to have very deep roots which become the neural Pathways of your

17:34

future thoughts so later on you can completely unbrainwash yourself but the

17:40

thoughts that show up naturally in your brain that seems so true to you because you can never remember a time that you

17:46

didn’t think them you will have to fight those like your life depends on it because the happiness and satisfaction

17:53

of your life actually does depend on it I just wish we’d known sooner but we’re making up for Last Time by spreading the

17:59

good news now it’s it’s one of those things where once you realize it you’re like oh my gosh when you know you know

18:05

right you know you know yeah yeah exactly so one of the there’s two things

18:11

you said there that I would love to go deeper in

18:16

and stop me at any time because I get excited and I’m gonna like take I want to find out so much more from you so

18:22

stop me at any time if you’re like no we need to read it and don’t forget don’t forget I’m supposed to be interviewing you too right

18:30

and flowing so it’s all good but you said two things that stood

18:37

out to me a lot one was the capacity for suffering and then two was that like 90

18:43

of our thoughts were kind of BS right and that’s probably generous it’s probably more than I do it probably I

18:50

know I was like how can I go deeper with three of that because it’s it’s so true once you learn that just because you

18:55

think a thought doesn’t mean it’s true it’s a little trippy and it also takes a great deal of self-awareness to be able

19:01

to stop the thoughts in the moment yes how do you

19:08

the capacity for suffering resonated with me because just today I even noticed in some things in my life now

19:14

where I was like I’m tolerating something’s taking longer than I desire them to take and I’m kind of okay with

19:20

it and not that there’s not a timing to things and a rhythm and process of being the match for what you

19:27

want but I was like I feel like my tolerance threshold for things taking a

19:32

while in certain areas of my life is higher than I want it to be and my pain tolerance I know I’ve also

19:38

similar to you like put up with a lot of stuff over the years that

19:44

didn’t feel good was painful Etc and I’m happy to share what I tell my

19:50

clients to do but like what is your process for noticing and catching the thoughts and for redirecting and for

19:56

shortening that suffering and pain tolerance any any tips for that yeah a couple

20:02

things to discuss that I think are important I had a pretty serious car accident

20:08

years ago when I was still in my medical sales position and wasn’t able to work

20:13

for a year that began a journey of chronic pain that I have been living with for now

20:19

more than half my life after they had tried all the pills all the procedures 12 hours of traction a day

20:26

cauterizing my nerve endings you know you name it everything short of neurosurgery because they said my spine

20:31

was too delicate and they wouldn’t touch me with a 10-foot scalpel times three three people said that so I’m like okay

20:38

no surgery I learned that meditation

20:44

could be helpful for someone with chronic pain that led me on a path to

20:49

actually embracing a Buddhist philosophy in my life so I have been learning to

20:54

observe and manage my mind for almost 20 years and I will tell you not only has

21:01

it helped with the chronic pain in fact most people who know me don’t even know I live with chronic pain because first

21:07

of all it’s not very interesting to talk about unless you want to play the victim card which I most certainly do not but

21:13

also because I manage really well with it the other thing that’s helped me with enormously is ADHD

21:20

because I am able to observe my thoughts as they’re happening and that has helped

21:26

a lot with impulsiveness and rejection sensitivity and some of the other things I mean I don’t have to tell you in sales

21:33

dealing with rejection dealing with the anticipation of possible rejection is

21:39

key so I’ve done a lot of work around rejection sensitivity and also just

21:44

thinking of each of my thoughts is like a thought bubble if I have rapid thoughts if I’m really

21:52

excited I’m having an ADHD moment I think of it as like opening a can of soda and all of a sudden you know the

21:59

bubbles are all right there sometimes it’s just one thought Bubble at a time or like a balloon but I’ve

22:06

I have learned to hit the pause button most of the time because if I don’t I’m

22:14

going to make an impulsive decision an impulsive judgment an impulsive reaction

22:20

that later on I’ll wish I had handled differently so part of this is just

22:26

simply maturity and and being on the planet more years but also accumulating

22:32

experience with what it feels like to almost want to blurt something out and

22:37

then taking a breath instead if I wanted to interrupt you because you

22:43

had something really juicy I wanted to grab a hold of and swing I don’t want to dominate the conversation so I just have

22:48

my little notepad over here I’m going to write it down it’s not like one thing it’s a lot of little things done

22:55

consistently over time so that I don’t have to do things impulsively because

23:00

I’m afraid of missing the opportunity more opportunities will come my way

23:06

that’s one of my affirmations so I don’t have to act on everyone which means I

23:11

can live with a lot less anxiety and fomo wow that’s so powerful that is so

23:18

powerful it all adds up too like all of these lessons you know how it is they just kind of layer on themselves and

23:25

then you realize I’m making better decisions I’m more satisfied with the decisions I’m making and I can see

23:31

myself thinking small as it’s happening wow and stop it in the tracks now that

23:39

was not always so most of the time it the awareness comes after the fact but if you don’t get too

23:46

discouraged and you don’t give up you don’t decide oh this doesn’t work if you

23:52

keep at it you can absolutely get ahead of even some of your thoughts and

23:57

anticipate okay I’m leveling up in this scenario I know exactly what thoughts to

24:04

anticipate and watch for so when they happen I’ll be like I am so ready for

24:10

you you’re not getting in here and messing with my mind I saw you coming and you are not welcome at this party

24:18

and I use a lot of metaphors and analogies and humor because otherwise it

24:23

can feel it can be very fatiguing to be managing your own mind let’s face it we’re always

24:30

thinking and when you don’t like the thoughts that are on speed dial it’s some work to change them but so so worth

24:38

it it really is it’s uh it’s mental gymnastics yes you will feel fatigued at

24:45

the end of the day yes actively do you do you write them down like that’s what

24:51

I do I actually have a note on my computer and my phone that’s like these are the old personality thoughts to know just so you know

24:58

when they pop up what they are do you write them down or how do you track them and kind of have that foresight of oh

25:04

yeah this is going to come up so that you’re ahead of the game well I use the app think up

25:10

um okay okay it’s an affirmations app it’s one that I recommend a lot people do not need to get the paid version you

25:17

can get the free version it allows you a small handful of affirmations but what’s cool about it at least you’re gonna love

25:23

this you record them in your own voice and the reason why that’s powerful is

25:30

because that’s the voice you’re talking to yourself with yeah so you’re

25:35

literally able to override those automatic negative thoughts by choosing

25:42

new thoughts so how I use it is both to if I don’t like the thoughts that I’m

25:47

thinking naturally I already know what they’re going to be I do something that’s like the opposite

25:54

I record those in the app and then I just allow it to play in the background

25:59

kind of subliminally while I’m getting ready in the morning maybe while I’m working out while I’m doing my nighttime

26:04

routine walking the dogs because the programming gets in there even if I’m

26:10

not consciously listening to it and I also have a hit list what I usually call

26:15

a list of like frequent flyers the thoughts that I have literally been thinking all of my life that aren’t true

26:22

were never true and yet still somehow they keep showing up but the difference

26:28

is I’m on to them and they used to control me so good I love the frequent flyers

26:35

because it makes it a little comical almost which I think sometimes we have to do with this stuff I have to use a

26:42

lot of humor in my life because things changing your life

26:48

changing your mind changing your business unblocking and unlocking your own

26:54

potential make no mistake it’s work so I

26:59

use humor to lighten it up and to offset some of the heaviness of it because even

27:06

helping people do that work can feel heavy to me so there’s my husband can’t

27:12

understand with the nature of the work that I do why he hears so much laughter coming out of my home office but to me

27:19

that’s a superpower when you can confront painful realities in your life or the life of someone you’re working

27:25

with with affection and respect and lack of

27:31

judgment and humor I think it’s a powerful combination so powerful it’s so

27:37

powerful and let me pause too because I feel like I have 20 more questions for you but I also I realize that with how

27:43

you’ve trained and conditioned your thoughts and holding back from the impulses you may have questions that you

27:48

want to ask or so let me pause and I’ll just redirect over to you for if there’s anything we’ve talked about so far that

27:54

you want to go deeper in or anything you want to ask me otherwise I can keep going forever with questions for you but

27:59

but I’ll pause and thank you Yes actually I know that there there’s a lot

28:06

of noise in the coaching industry about about six figure this six figure that

28:11

six figure the other thing and you already acknowledge that actually when

28:16

you have a family in most parts of the country U.S Canada six figures isn’t exactly putting you on

28:25

easy street right you also said that you were stuck at an income Plateau for 10

28:30

years and that just became your Norm it sets your expectations it set what was

28:36

possible for you it set your your lifestyle and your husband’s career

28:42

and then something changed so You Now teach other people how to do that what do you think were the most

28:48

surprising and unexpected things that you learned in that coaching program

28:54

that started to open your mind to the possibilities for you absolutely that’s such a great question and for me the the

29:02

transformation let’s say people will hear sometimes like oh my

29:09

gosh you 10 extra income in six weeks yes and I had been stuck for 10 years trying to figure out how to do it and

29:15

not able to do it so or didn’t take the right steps to do it and the steps were mental so I always just want to preface

29:22

that with like any time you hear overnight success or overnight this or that remember that there’s much more to

29:28

the story than there was but to your point Diann like my what I know now

29:34

because part of the process for me was I’ve been looking outside for the

29:41

solution I’ve been hiring mentors coaches trying every sales script doing all the

29:48

Tactical things all of the matter on matter approach and no matter what I did I always felt

29:56

like I couldn’t break past that income threshold I always felt anxiety about

30:02

money I always was afraid that it was going to go I was always afraid when it came time to

30:08

pay my bills I had just a lot of low-grade anxiety going on with a lot of different areas financially

30:14

and the impetus for making that decision to change and I think when we’re really

30:21

ready to change it usually requires some type of a burn the ships type of

30:27

moment where it’s like you’re giving your subconscious such a strong command that no this is happening and it usually

30:32

has to be backed up with some sort of big quote-unquote risky action or thing where

30:38

you’re burning It To The Ground like this is happening or or I’m gonna figure something else out right like I’m going

30:45

all in on this uh but not having that plan B and so a mentor I was working with like

30:52

right before then right at the time had had me do this exercise that I think was actually a Kathy Heller original

30:59

and it was called your five dream lives and it was for whatever reason it just struck me because she had me look

31:05

at if you could have any five dream lives what would they be and you think back to

31:13

what did I want to do in childhood what have I been saying you know at some

31:19

point I’ll do but not yet and for whatever reason it wasn’t like

31:24

the moon was lined up in any direction or everything was perfect timing in my

31:30

life it just struck me differently as I looked at these dream lives and there

31:35

was kind of an element of sadness as I looked at them that was like oh my gosh you know I had wanted to

31:42

sing that was always a vision of mine but I stopped singing publicly after I was sexually assaulted in college

31:49

I wanted to be a philanthropist but I always had the quote-unquote excuse of well I don’t have enough money

31:57

I wanted to play on a much bigger level in my life than I was playing and I started looking at people who had

32:03

actually executed on things similar to the dream lives that showed up for me and I realized

32:11

number one many of them were younger than me or they had more challenging situations growing up

32:17

and it was kind of just this revelation of maybe it was being a new mom too I think that helped shift my perspective a

32:23

bit but this revelation of like I’m the only one who can do this for myself

32:29

and so when I made that commitment and that decision to just do whatever it took to get out of my own way and to

32:35

finally confront the limiting beliefs about money and potential and who I was

32:40

what I knew in that moment was you know that of course asking the universe

32:46

answers it’s like the next day the coaching opportunity with this Mentor showed up when I said yes to it

32:53

and I didn’t tell her this but it was I knew that just literally making that

32:59

investment in myself that I didn’t even I had to put the deposit on a credit card I didn’t know how I was going to

33:04

pay for the rest I was petrified again I was the breadwinner for the family I thought am I putting us in financial ruin by doing this but the pull was so

33:12

strong it was almost as if the person I had to become to even pay

33:18

for that and to say I am worthy of investing at this level because I had never

33:23

done something based on self-worth where I’d held back from investing in myself or held back from really what I really

33:29

wanted because I realized I didn’t feel worthy of it and in that moment that declaration it was like it almost didn’t

33:35

matter what she taught me or what we did together the person I had to become to

33:40

just confront the money demons was going to be a radically different woman than who I had started off as so I would say

33:48

through a combination an incredible Mentor through a combination of her mentoring we did a lot of inner child

33:53

work which at first I was like what does inner child have to do with making more money it has a lot to do

34:01

your child I dug deep into a lot of Joe dispenza’s work at that

34:07

time as well and I love how you said meditation has made such a big impact for you because it did for me too

34:14

a lot of work on the energy of money and so it was all the inner work it was

34:20

that was what really catapulted my journey and realizing it was never about the exterior it was about my self-image

34:27

and how I I’d wanted to be a million dollar business owner I had wanted to like have the life and the impact

34:34

that came along with that but my identity didn’t match that and so it was the process of reconditioning my

34:40

identity to start to see myself as someone who not only could do it but was worthy of it and I think that’s a big thing

34:46

I’ve just found your level of income will never exceed your level of self-worth so I will I’ll pause on that but those

34:53

it was really the inner work piece no it totally makes sense and I I think one of the things that I’ve been able to lean

34:59

on a lot with my background as a psychotherapist when people talk about transformation

35:07

I don’t think enough of them talk about identity crisis because the reality is

35:13

as you level up in whatever way you choose to do so

35:18

leveling up in your income leveling up in your impact leveling up in the size of your team

35:24

you know what whatever your goal is you literally are going to have an

35:30

identity crisis which is part of addressing those upper limit issues because the person who

35:37

thinks the thoughts that become those upper limits is the person that you are

35:43

and have been up to this point so the notion that you could claim a new

35:49

identity for yourself and not experience something

35:54

potentially terrifying in the process I think really isn’t helping people

36:00

understand why it’s so important to get the right kind of support

36:05

I know there are people who are able to do this on their own some of them become extremely popular celebrities

36:13

but to actually stop being the person that you’ve been

36:19

and the person that you’ve always thought of yourself as and allowing yourself to evolve into a

36:25

new identity if you think about that it would be like what if you had like a traumatic brain

36:31

injury and you woke up in the hospital and the doctor said could you tell us

36:37

your name uh you know you literally won’t know who

36:45

you are until you have some practice at that new level so I think it’s just a fascinating

36:52

thing to consider and that’s why I’m sure you would agree why meditation has been so helpful because

36:58

I mean at least what I’ve understood and what I’ve learned in following the Buddhist path for almost 20 years is

37:05

that identity is a construct anyway and so you practice non-attachment to

37:13

all things including that identity which I think helps a lot in the evolution of

37:19

it but something I really want to ask you about and I see it holds a lot of

37:25

women back who maybe have allowed themselves to think I want that I want that Million Dollar

37:32

business I want that Global impact I want to retire my husband I want to send

37:38

my kids to private school I want to be generous in my giving whatever the driver is I think a lot of women hold

37:45

themselves back because of fear of envy and what I call ambition shaming I would

37:52

love to hear your thoughts about that oh yeah juicy right it is now I want to

37:58

hear your take on it too because no no no you go you go you go

38:03

I do want to I want to hear your thoughts on that yeah you know it’s it’s so funny

38:09

I was speaking with some members of my Mastermind the other day and we just got back from this retreat in Sedona and

38:15

they were sharing something that I could relate to as well where people were asking them like how

38:22

was it and it was a couple women who said this they’re like I wanted to say like it was amazing and it was

38:28

transformational and I’m thinking like I’m thinking here about myself and they said but I found myself holding

38:35

back from saying how it really was and be like oh it was it was really good it

38:41

was nice yeah because yeah yeah because they didn’t want to whether it’s

38:46

outshine whether it’s make someone else uncomfortable or seen full of themselves

38:51

and I’ve absolutely had that come up in my life as well you know I

38:58

the fear of Envy peace and the ambition shaming I think at this

39:04

point I’ve curated my circle enough to where

39:09

it’s not something that comes up a lot in my own life but I do I have seen

39:15

where I will absolutely hold back from sharing whether it’s a big win or whether it’s a certain yeah a win a

39:22

success because there’s this like oh who is she gonna think she is type of vibe

39:29

with it so I don’t know if I have the perfect answer for that I know in my own life it’s been

39:35

find the people like I know my husband my mentor like my dear girlfriends like I’ll share with

39:41

I think knowing that whatever judgment someone puts on you is really a judgment

39:47

they have about themselves and we can know that consciously it doesn’t mean that we don’t still fear putting it out

39:54

there our successes are going for what we really want but yeah to me it’s I’ve always I’ve

40:01

learned to be very careful about who I share with and what I share but I’m curious to know your thoughts now

40:06

because I feel like you probably talk about this more than I do and I’m very intrigued well I think because a lot of people I

40:13

work with deal with rejection sensitivity in order to be able to stand out

40:21

I think like show up stand up speak out you gotta be able to take up some space

40:28

own who you are accept who you’re not and be Unapologetic about all of it and

40:34

of course that takes a lot of inner work but if part of what you’re showing up for

40:39

is the fact that I am incredibly grateful for the life that I have I am

40:46

incredibly grateful for all of the lessons that I’ve learned even the really painful ones because they

40:52

contributed to me becoming the person I am I wouldn’t be this person had it not

40:58

been for all of that but I am keenly aware that as an intelligent educated

41:06

successful woman who happens to be also tall and well spoken

41:11

I have been told all of my life, Elyse all of my life starting from maybe early

41:17

High School that I’m intimidating 

41:22

caused me along with other feedback that I internalized to want to shrink myself

41:29

to want to hold back to take up less space I mean everything from the I’m not

41:34

going to wear heels anymore two I’m not going to wear bright colors too I’m not going to raise my hand I’m

41:42

going to give other people a chance well I I eventually couldn’t hold back I eventually felt like I can’t sit here

41:49

and listen to all these people saying things that aren’t adding to the conversation

41:54

or they don’t really know what they’re talking about I I have to break out of this box

42:00

and I think something that’s helped me a lot personally is recognizing if you’re

42:06

keeping yourself small if you’re holding yourself back if you’re settling for less if you’re

42:12

tolerating too much if you are diminishing yourself in any way

42:17

because you fear other people’s judgment I got news for you sister

42:23

they’re already judging you they’re judging you anyway it may not be for

42:29

what you’re trying to avoid but they’re already judging you because the people that are preoccupied with

42:36

judging you are dissatisfied with themselves it’s a

42:41

great distraction so you can never satisfy them enough to make judgment off

42:48

the table so you might as well be you and equip yourself with the skills to

42:55

care a whole lot less about them because they were never going to be your people

43:00

anyway and that takes some learning especially because sadly sadly some of those people

43:07

may be friends and family members I think one

43:12

of the biggest level UPS in my life to be honest with

43:18

you is letting go of people I’ve outgrown hmm

43:24

yes it is hard because you realize that your

43:30

circle becomes much much smaller much deeper much richer

43:38

and I’m okay with that because what I was willing to sacrifice

43:43

to have more people who weren’t really there for me who I didn’t feel safe

43:51

being all of me with I had a very close friend for like 25 years

43:56

and I kept feeling this growing discomfort because I noticed when I was

44:02

struggling when I was hurting when I had a failure she was right there but when things were

44:10

going better and better and better I got nothing but shade or even she

44:16

would turn on herself and criticize herself by comparing unfavorably to me and I finally said

44:24

this is a conversation I should have initiated a long time ago we can’t be friends anymore and I don’t want you to

44:29

guess why I’m going to tell you exactly why that was really really hard because I’m not unkind right but I didn’t want

44:37

to just ghost or fade or you know dial down on you know the dimmer switch and

44:44

just not be as available I I wanted to say your Envy has killed our friendship so this is

44:52

where it stops for me that isn’t something everybody needs to do but

44:57

you’d be the first one to agree that having a curated circle is immensely

45:04

important to maintaining your new identity as an expanded evolved version

45:09

of yourself wouldn’t you say so true and I think one thing two things I would actually

45:16

take from what you just said and kind of how I think about it is one is a lot of times we say Well

45:22

they’re gonna judge well who are they even because oftentimes sometimes it is

45:28

someone that we know and they’re in the Inner Circle whether it’s family or friends and you can pinpoint them

45:33

but oftentimes it’ll also be like who random people on social media people you

45:38

don’t even know I mean we kind of group people together in our minds so just getting really clear on who are these

45:45

people that I think are judging me and do they matter or not but this the second piece that I would add in there

45:52

too and it’s really just something I thought about while you were talking is perhaps a good litmus test for a

45:59

relationship of any sort is am I expanding like is this a container that

46:04

I feel that I can keep expanding into or am I feeling like I have to shrink and looking at that as a litmus test for the

46:11

quality of any sort of relationship in your life and if it’s one you can expand into beautiful and if it’s one where you

46:18

feel like you have to shrink and play small and downplay and minimize it’s time for some adjustments and that

46:24

that’s excellent criteria yeah yeah well and kudos to you for having that

46:30

conversation because most people probably that I’m sure that was uncomfortable for you to do but the

46:36

directness I think Clarity is kind and the directness there is is powerful too so

46:43

we could keep talking forever but we’re not going to because we promised each other we would keep this because it

46:49

wasn’t one of the goals here is that we were going to be efficient and do more with less I think we did it though I

46:56

think this was something conversation absolutely yeah no this is beautiful why

47:02

don’t why don’t we do this do we want to share where people can connect with us to to learn more and to engage further

47:08

I’ll have you go first Diann okay if you like

47:14

the sound of my voice and what I have to say with it and you are not already listening to The Driven woman

47:19

entrepreneur podcast this is your personal invitation to do so you can find my website at diannwingertcoaching

47:27

and I’m on most of the socials but actively growing my connections on

47:32

LinkedIn amazing amazing which is maybe where I reached I’m like did I reach out to you

47:37

on LinkedIn or Instagram because those are kind of the places I hang out I think it was insta Instagram okay cool

47:42

cool beautiful and I would say the same thing so my podcast is She Sells Radio

47:49

and people usually come in looking for sales tips and advice and then they find

47:54

out it’s a lot of deeper work and conversations like this which was so much fun today, elysearcher.com is my

48:02

website and I am primarily on LinkedIn and Instagram but I’m everywhere at Elyse Archer so

48:09

this was so fun thank you we’re always selling aren’t we I think everything is sales I really do

48:17

and I’m always so bummed when I hear how many women say they hate it like have you ever convinced a kid to eat broccoli

48:23

but bam you’re in sales the hardest sales job of all time. I’m

48:29

learning no lie no lie well thank you for suggesting this for

48:37

making it easy and fun and I will absolutely do it again same here. Thank you so much.



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