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Love and Business with Matthew and Kim Hoffman

I want to bring you an interview with two good friends and former clients of mine who are experts in cultivating a strong relationship or marriage while you simultaneously grow your business.  

This is a topic that we’ve been talking about more in our client community as women are looking to call in BOTH love and money, and I speak a lot on the business and money side of things, but am bringing you a couple who has devoted their life to helping you elevate your relationship and marriage so you can have the best of both worlds. 

Today my guests are Kim and Matthew Hoffman. Kim is the co-founder and co-host of Kickass Couples Podcast and an expert at being a kickass wife. Kim is an experienced, fulfilled and successful wife who inspires couples how to pursue a meaningful, gratifying relationship with their soulmate. Kim’s passion is to teach imperfect couples how to take a relationship from mediocrity to a powerful, committed, joy-filled, love-affair. Matthew Hoffman is a national speaker, trainer, author and kickass relationship coach who empowers men and women to become mighty and effective communicators through his expert guidance, business experience and the vast resources of Kickass Couples Nation.

 

Show Notes:

[4:29] – Matthew describes the different stages of a relationship.

[5:40] – During some rough stages, Matthew and Kim sought coaching and did everything to improve their relationship.

[7:37] – It doesn’t happen overnight. We have to work on ourselves first before we can successfully work on our relationship with others.

[9:05] – Marriage enrichment is being open to outside sources to help you and coach you along in your relationship.

[10:40] – Our families and upbringing play a role in our marriage. Sometimes these things show up as baggage.

[13:10] – You have to have the conversation about how you experience love. What did love look like for you growing up?

[15:36] – We come to any new relationship with triggers.

[18:57] – Mediocre relationships can be transformed into something red hot.

[20:20] – We need to be intentional about spending time together even when life is pulling us in different directions. We need to prioritize our spouse.

[22:48] – We need to model to each other how we want to be pursued.

[25:06] – We all want to feel seen, heard, and appreciated.

[28:49] – You have the right to share how you want your partner to show up, especially if you are showing up for them.

[30:49] – When you have success in a personal relationship, it overflows into your professional relationships, too.

[32:14] – If you are growing but your partner is not, there needs to be a conversation.

[35:35] – Sometimes, we are in different seasons. We have to support our spouse during their times in the spotlight.

 

Connect with Matthew and Kim Hoffman:

Kickass Couples Podcast

Kickass Couples Nation Website

Links and Resources:

Instagram  |  LinkedIn  |  YouTube

She Sells with Elyse Archer Home Page

Abundance Mini Course

Join the $10K Club

Apply for the $50K Club Mastermind

$100K in a Day Workshop

Money Mindset Live Event

 

0:02

Welcome to She Sells Radio today I get to bring you an interview with two dear

0:08

friends and former clients of mine who are experts in cultivating a really

0:13

strong relationship or marriage while you simultaneously grow your business

0:19

and this is a topic that we’ve been talking about a lot in our client Community recently as women are looking

0:25

to call in both love and money um and obviously we speak a lot in our

0:30

community on the business and money side of things but today I wanted to bring you a couple who has devoted their life

0:37

and their business to helping you elevate your relationship and your marriage so that you can have the best

0:42

of both worlds so my guest today are Kim and Matthew Hoffman I’m going to tell

0:48

you a little bit about them and then you’re going to get to hear from them and it’s going to be really really powerful so Kim Hoffman is the

0:56

co-founder and co-host of kickass couples podcast she’s an expert at being

1:01

a kick-ass wife which I love uh Kim is an experience fulfilled and successful wife who inspires couples how to pursue

1:09

a meaningful gratifying relationship with their soulmate Kim’s passion is to

1:14

teach imperfect couples how to take their relationship from mediocrity to a powerful committed joy-filled love

1:21

affair which we’re going to talk about today I’m excited to dive into that Matthew P Hoffman is a national speaker

1:28

trainer author in Kick-Ass relation relationship coach who empowers men and women to become Mighty and effective

1:34

communicators through his expert guidance business experience and the vast resources of kickass couples Nation

1:41

Matthew and Kim welcome to the show I’m excited for this conversation thank you thank you for

1:48

having us it’s great to see you again it’s so great to see you and if you all are listening on audio and you can’t see

1:54

the video we were laughing in the pre-chat because they’re in Maine you all are in Maine like probably 30

2:01

minutes an hour for me right now Max um we got this beautiful background of the Woods at your Lakehouse and we were like

2:09

why did we not do this in person so we may do a part two where we meet up in Maine in person uh which I’m excited for

2:17

but you know I want to dive in first and just start with a bit of your backstory and I think here’s what can happen is

2:23

when we are when we are experts in something right when we teach something when we’ve built a brand around

2:29

something people think oh like they’ve always been good at that they’ve never struggled with that I know for myself what I teach

2:36

it’s all things I’ve had to overcome and learn uh myself around money and

2:41

business and sales and so I’m curious and Matthew I’m going to have you kind of lead with this question to start you

2:47

know people hear you speaking and training on how to create an amazing relationship and obviously you all have

2:55

cultivated a really beautiful relationship together um and people may think oh you’ve always just been great

3:00

at it but I’m curious about kind of the backstory what led to your interest in

3:05

this is this something that has always felt like a natural superpower for you or was there ever a period of we’ll call

3:12

it contrast in relationship where you were bumping up against challenges that maybe help to inspire the brand and what

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you all teach today yeah that’s a great question well I’m grateful that we’re working on our 30th year of marriage at

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leise and I can honestly say when we got married I had no idea that it would be

3:31

as good as it is right now and because I didn’t know how to get it there I just thought you get married and there you go

3:38

it happens and it’s it’s a romance that never stops right and you know I’d say that probably after 20 years of marriage

3:47

the we you know all relationships are kind of in three stages you’re either on this slope and you’re you’re you’re

3:53

thriving right you’re climbing that mountain and you’re working hard and it’s great or you are treading water

4:00

you’re surviving right one more weight on your head you’re going under and you’re not really making lots of

4:05

progress or you’re in decline or DEA and i’ say that after 20 years of marriage

4:10

we were surviving you know wasn’t bad wasn’t great but my wife and I were both

4:17

I was guilty of you know when I could get a stab in and twist the knife or say things that weren’t nice to get back at

4:23

her I was a little upset you know I would do it when she could enter in an argument and prove to me I’d made a

4:29

mistake mistake you know I messed up again she would do it and most of our reaction to each other was not building

4:36

each other up and supporting and fulfilling it was kind of tearing down and needling and poking or bringing up

4:42

past mistakes and we neither of us were super happy and I think that we kind of

4:48

said this is not what we want not what we signed up for and we’re not happy

4:53

right and um you know I think that we really had to double down and learn what

4:59

is it I mean we read books we watch videos we got coached we got therapy and

5:06

I think that we you know the reason you work with a coach or somebody you know this we none of us recognize what our

5:12

own blind spots are it’s hard to look at the relationship and say oh here’s the problems and here’s what we got to do to

5:18

fix it and we’ll just do this it’s somebody else going this is do you see this and this is what I hear and so I

5:25

think we had kind of those coaches uh the co-author of my book Chris canas uh worked with us and we worked with other

5:31

people and it led me to kind of writing the book Kick-Ass husband winning at life marriage and sex to talk from our

5:38

own experience of what I did in all of our marriage and at that point to kind of bring it back to where it’s thriving

5:45

and we’re climbing that mountain together what was that I’m curious kind

5:51

of that turning point for you and and Kim maybe you can speak to this a little bit too or just your own perspective on

5:56

what Matthew shared there about when you were 20 years in making that decision to change but you know when people are at

6:04

that point I think a lot of times the Temptation is okay we’re just not meant to be right and it’s not to say that

6:11

there aren’t certain relationships where it’s like you’ve grown you’ve ascended and now it’s time to complete and move

6:16

on and you can do so in a really conscious beautiful way right so um at

6:22

least that’s my take on it but for it sounds like for both of you you really took a look inside and said what am I

6:29

bringing to this and how can I consciously change the dynamic here so that we at least have a chance to keep

6:36

growing together so I’m curious how long when you started implementing what you

6:42

all teach how long did it take for you to start to notice changes and maybe a part two of this is

6:50

did it have to start within you first and I I can kind of share my own experience but I want to hear from Kim

6:55

would you speak to that a little bit of course well first of all I would say that doesn’t happen overnight right so

7:02

we really have to work on oursel first so we have to do that deep dive into

7:08

oursel and start asking ourselves some really hard questions you know why am I not happy

7:15

what’s going on here and do I sense the commitment from my husband that you know he’s still

7:22

committed to me and we can stay in this together and and grow together so I’m

7:27

going to look inside and say what can I do you know what are some things that I

7:33

can work on to become a better individual and then what are some things

7:38

that we can do together to work on so that we can have a better happier more

7:45

fulfilling relationship and I feel like you know we are we were at a point where

7:52

neither of us were really happy you know we’re just sort of stagnant and we really wanted to keep our relationship

8:00

going but we just weren’t really sure how to get there and so implementing those things like uh enrichment marriage

8:08

enrichment is huge because it really teaches you how to be there for each

8:13

other and how to learn the skills to be better and healthier in your relationship and what does that for

8:19

someone who’s not familiar what does marriage enrichment mean again Matthew said you know we did

8:25

videos and we WR books got coaching we were really open to having some outside

8:33

sources help us and Coach us along and that made all the difference in the

8:39

world in our relationship I think that’s the power of and we speak about this you know your

8:45

Paradigm in business which will control your earnings potential it’ll control

8:50

how clients relate to you it’s all this inner self-concept of what I’m worthy of

8:56

receiving um how I show up in business how visible I am how not and we have

9:01

this Paradigm in all different parts of life right and so much of it was picked up on I’d love to hear if either of you

9:07

want to chime in on this um you know what we observed growing up what we saw

9:12

modeled how we saw our parents relate to each other and a lot of this happens

9:18

before age seven right when we haven’t fully formed our analytical brain and we’re a giant walking subconscious so it

9:24

sounds like for you it was having other people reflect to to you there’s another

9:31

way that you may not even be conscious of right because I think a lot of times we just run on default and I’m raising my hand as someone who’s done that and

9:37

I’m consciously working on this in all areas of life including relationship but we can just run on default mode and kind

9:43

of perpetuate these patterns that we maybe Saw model growing up without realizing oh my gosh there’s another way

9:51

there’s a completely different way either of you want to speak to that I think our families of Origins play a

9:57

huge role in how we show up in our marriage for our spouse and I know that

10:05

you know we see that a lot in with a lot of our clients and so when we come to the this marriage together and we each

10:12

have sort of this baggage right I have my own set of issues and and Matthew

10:17

would come to their relationship with his as well and so how are we um really

10:23

talking about those issues and working through those issues and you really

10:28

getting to the Crux of what’s going on yeah I think that we know everybody

10:33

brings every relationship has issues and problems at leise it’s like you know some people that you talked earlier

10:40

about when do you get to the point is this worth saving and can we do it or am I going someplace else The Grass Is

10:46

Always Greener because we erroneously think that doesn’t have issues that over

10:52

there on the other side of the fence doesn’t have problems and I tell all my clients I go you’re going to have a bag

10:57

of issues no matter where you go better to handle the ones you got now than

11:02

exchange them for something else because they’re not going to be they might be different or they might be the exact same so if you’re going to invest in

11:09

this relationship learn how to handle those issues yeah and and uncover them for what they are and put them in

11:15

perspective and get the tools to work through them and that’s going to bond you and build a stronger relationship

11:22

and if you’ve never had the discussion with your partner or your spouse about how they experienced love and how you

11:28

did and reconcile those it’s going to keep showing up in your relationship and be an issue and so many couples get

11:35

together we never had that discussion until way into our relationship till we learned you got to have the conversation

11:42

and those conversations uncovered things that I wasn’t even aware of and certainly hadn’t dealt with and now

11:48

she’s aware of them and you know we uncovered some of those things from my childhood you know she looked at me and

11:54

we had a deep conversation about a session we had with our coach and she said I’m not going going anywhere right

12:01

I’m not going to you know I know you who you are and I’m going to support you because I know that’s what you need and

12:07

how you need to be supported but if we hadn’t had that conversation it never would have been brought out into the

12:13

open never would have been revealed and we couldn’t have worked through it and having that conversation bonded us

12:21

stronger together can you speak a little bit more Matthew to what that and Kim please feel free to chime in but what

12:27

that conversation sounds like you said had we never had the conversation about how we experienced love growing up is

12:35

this about finding out what your partner’s love language is or it sounds like it’s deeper can you tell us a little bit more

12:42

about what that looks and sounds like if we want to have that conversation with our partner well you know you know in

12:47

Kim and I when you interviewed a lot of the couples on the podcast we say is what love look like for you growing up

12:53

easy question to talk about and get into right and so in other words by your mom

12:59

your dad your grandparents whoever raised you and formed you how did you see love demonstrated what does love

13:05

look like meaning this is how I saw my dad do it with my mom or my mom do it with my dad or my dad never did it and

13:12

my mom always did right so we take those things and we go I want to model this

13:17

because I saw how great it worked or we go no way in heck is that coming into my relationship yeah because it was

13:24

horrible and it was brutal I had a father who worked six days a week his

13:30

definition of success is definitely around possessions and money and status

13:36

and impact and influence and so my mother was I wouldn’t say she raised us

13:42

but she had a much stronger demonstration influence and tenderheartedness so I learned about

13:48

relationships and love more from her I learned different things from my dad but

13:54

it wasn’t how to be successful in a relationship because there was adultery and Affairs and things that you know led

13:59

to a divorce so I don’t look I didn’t look at my dad and go I’m going to model him on relationships I said I’m going to

14:06

model my mom and that’s what I brought to this to this marriage and to this relationship so I didn’t have a great

14:13

male example of love and tenderness and so you know we we had to talk about that

14:19

and learn how to deal with that and and how are we going to raise our kids how are we going to relate to each other and

14:26

you know my mom and dad had screaming fights I said to Kim I said if you scream at me and raise your voice I’m

14:33

closing down I don’t want to talk to you I don’t want to engage with you because that happened growing up in their

14:39

relationship and it was time to tune out and get out wow so she knows you know

14:45

and she could and she may say well I’m you know I have Cuban descent I’m passionate I get you know I get feisty I

14:51

get I go you raise your voice to me I’m not listening P we come to the new

14:57

relationship with right and like he said you know I I I

15:03

can’t come at him and raise my voice with him or get upset with him because

15:09

it’s going to trigger something in him and he’s gonna back off and he’s not going to be able to respond because what

15:14

have I done i’ put him in flight or fight responsive mode and um he’s

15:20

goingon to shut down and so we have so when we talk about learning what those things are those are the tough questions

15:27

and the hardcore work that you need to do to learn about each other’s history

15:32

and what’s at the real krux and root of the problem right what are we bringing

15:37

in here that’s baggage that’s not good that’s not healthy and why yeah what I

15:44

what I’m hearing and this is so powerful there is a uh I heard this from Bob Proctor once a great quote that what you

15:51

don’t heal your children will inherit and that when I heard that that

15:58

struck me to my core CU I was like man what am I carrying around these old patterns these old paradigms these old

16:06

triggers whether in relationship or self-worth or self-confidence that maybe

16:11

I didn’t consciously choose to pick up on them maybe I didn’t consciously choose them for myself but they’re in me

16:18

and now it’s my responsibility to clear this if I don’t want my kids to experience the same thing and so I think

16:24

what’s powerful about what you’re sharing it actually models a process that we we teach our clients called

16:30

picking your board of advisers and instead of just accepting that you know not even

16:36

questioning the um what you saw modeled growing up right like Matthew you said

16:41

your your dad pursued success there is infidelity and it’s like if you hadn’t stopped to question and say do I want to

16:48

model off of that you would subconsciously model off of that because that’s what you saw demonstrated but

16:53

instead to be conscious to say do I want that outcome if not I need to learn to

16:59

think like someone else and we again we teach this concept called having a board of advisers I’ve got a sticky note here

17:05

on my computer of who do I it’s like people whose results I like and I I do

17:10

it for business and life um but anytime I’m at a Crossroads of how I want to show up in something I ask myself well

17:17

how would soand so think about this how would they um act what what thoughts

17:22

would they have on it and what I’m hearing you it help me tremendously in business what I’m hearing you say is

17:27

almost something similar in marriage and relationship where we can say if I didn’t if I don’t love the results that

17:34

my parents had in their relationship or in certain areas then I need to learn to think differently and I need to again

17:41

get a coach get a mentor get someone who can help me see outside the box of this

17:46

Paradigm that I’ve maybe been living in for a long time but if I want to create a different dynamic in my relationship

17:52

I’ve got to learn to think like someone else like someone who has a great relationship so yeah just it’s

17:59

I love this we’re doing similar things in different Industries and it’s just powerful to hear um to hear your

18:05

perspective on this I want to speak a little bit to Kim I know one of your

18:11

passions is helping a couple who’s maybe finding themselves in a mediocre

18:17

relationship um where it’s like it’s okay but it’s not amazing and taking

18:24

that and transforming that into use the word red hot which it’s like we all want that right we want the red hot relationship doesn’t matter how long

18:30

we’ve been together what and I know we don’t have time for all of it but maybe one or two things that someone could do

18:37

today if they’re listening and they’re like if I’m being honest my relationship is mediocre we’ve plateaued maybe we’re

18:44

Treading Water kind of like you all said you were a while back in your relationship what can we do today to

18:50

start to shift the energy from mediocre to that RedHot Dynamic that we are

18:55

craving and seeking yeah that’s a great question you know we all want that intimacy yeah we all want to feel that

19:02

deep connection and it does over time when we’re really busy in our business

19:07

uh it it goes to mediocrity right and why is that well Matthew has this great chapter in his book that talks about um

19:14

Eternal woo what does that mean well it means we’re going to keep dating each other and we’re GNA keep prioritizing

19:21

each other we’re going to keep making time for each other um it might be date

19:26

nights special date nights it might be finding an activity that we can learn or do together but I think we have to be

19:34

really intentional about making time for each other and making that time special

19:41

and I know we get busy we get in the vortex of kids and business and all these things are sucking at us and

19:48

pulling us in different directions um but we really have to come back to prioritizing our spouse making our

19:56

spouse number one in our relationship and then continuing those special like I

20:02

said that Eternal wo you just keep dating each other and that’s going to make us feel more emotionally connected

20:09

to each other more emotionally connected to each other because we’ve been spending all

20:16

this great time together and we’ve been doing these fun things together that’s when you know the sex is amazing and all

20:23

the other things come into play because we are emotionally bonded

20:28

I’m curious and I want to ask a followup and then Matthew I’ll ask you a question too but K our audience is primarily

20:35

female now we’ve got a lot of Great Men Who listen to but we got a lot of women listening in today for someone who’s

20:40

listening and they’re like my husband doesn’t date me anymore or my partner doesn’t date he doesn’t take me out on

20:47

dates he doesn’t I don’t feel like he pursues me yeah you know I think about if I were in a dating

20:53

relationship with someone and they just kind of stop pursuing me I’d probably just be like okay bye it’s a little

20:59

different in marriage but it’s also I don’t know if it’s our most powerful energy to come to someone and be like I

21:04

want you to date me why aren’t you dating me anymore right what does how how does that look like what’s the if

21:10

we’re a woman and we want our man to be pursuing us and dating us again is it a inner energy switch is it a conversation

21:18

is it both like what does that how do we activate that energy in him to and

21:24

actually Matthew you could probably speak powerfully to this as well after Kim right from the male perspective how do we activate that energy in our man to

21:31

want to pursue us if maybe that hasn’t happened in the relationship for a while

21:37

right so why are the question is you know why are we pursuing each other why

21:42

are we not feeling this emotional connection to each other that we are wanting to pursue each other and I think

21:50

that it starts with with us it starts with with me actively pursuing him let

21:56

me set up a romantic dinner let me you know think of a fun thing that we can do

22:02

together that’s different so I’m starting it and I’m modeling for him

22:08

what does that Pursuit look like so I’m pursuing him with the hope that there’s

22:13

going to be some reciprocity and usually when you’re inspired to do something it does inspire your spouse to reciprocate

22:22

and so I would start there but I also think it’s important to have those conversations around why are are you not

22:29

pursuing me what’s going on here let’s really get down to what’s really happening and start asking those

22:35

questions of you know why are where’s the intimacy gone you know do we need to

22:41

talk more about us and our emotions do we need to talk about sex maybe we need to have a conversation about sex right

22:49

so I think that you kind of have to look at all those things but pursuing him is where I would start and then also making

22:56

sure that we’re we’re talking about how we feel what our needs are what our wants are what our desires are super

23:03

powerful Matthew what give us the mail perspective on this what would you add for a woman who’s like H he stopped

23:10

dating me he stopped pursuing me it’s important to everybody I mean whether you know it doesn’t matter who is the

23:17

bread winner or if you’re both Breadwinners or who’s bringing in more income right everybody’s got roles and

23:23

responsibilities but I can tell you that every man wants to be per

23:29

understood valued and appreciated for who they are and what they do we all have roles and even though the roles are

23:36

different in every relationship the guy could be working and the woman could be at home the woman you know vice versa

23:42

both can be working or you’re both working but she’s the bread winner and bringing in you know doesn’t matter but

23:47

every man wants to know that he’s needed valued and appreciated when she uh I

23:54

wrote an article that resonated with her and she texted me the other day and said oh my God babe you nailed it loved what

24:01

you said about this it was so right and I really felt it I was like you’re reading my article wow you know she goes

24:07

of course I am you think but so but that made me feel hey she values me the work

24:14

that I’m doing is important and she’s sharing with me how it impacts her so

24:20

she’s pouring into me right yeah love languages are part of it but every man wants to feel needed appreciated heard

24:26

valued understood and we experience it a little differently than women we men are

24:32

experiential right come do this with me watch this with me let’s go right so

24:38

when she and I are engaged in something together it could be cooking it could be goat yoga it could be uh a Ruck you know

24:45

maybe she said I want to go paint pottery whatever sometimes that’s what I want what she but I’m thinking wow we’re

24:50

relating we’re together we’re experiencing and that’s how I and most men experience connection when women are

24:59

incredibly emotional and if they if a woman is emotionally connected to her

25:05

partner she’s ready for everything else but if that emotional connection isn’t there because the guy’s not talking from

25:12

his heart he’s not sharing he’s not Community is not connecting she doesn’t want to she doesn’t want to go be

25:17

intimate she doesn’t want to connect physically or sexually because you don’t understand me you don’t see me you don’t

25:24

hear me you don’t feel me right so it’s learning we’ve each learned what we both

25:30

want need and desire in a lot of different areas of our lives and we’re committed to giving it to each other and

25:37

so sometimes it’s similar stuff but I know that there’s things that that she wants and needs more than I do and it

25:46

it’s our pleasure to give it to each other and yeah when she’s that way to me it inspires me to say how we we take

25:53

turns giving um in all areas of our lives and you know one of the one of the

25:59

best things is that sometimes it’s all about me and she’s like no no no babe

26:04

this is for you I don’t want don’t need and don’t and then it goes well okay I’ve got to create that experience for

26:11

her it’s got to be all about her she just spoiled the heck out of me for Father’s Day spoke My Love Languages and

26:18

we had an amazing time but she if you ask her about what was Mother’s Day like she’ll probably well she can tell you

26:24

what was Mother’s Day like Ian for me we just keep showing up for each

26:29

other we know what we each need from each other and we just keep showing up and it’s not it doesn’t have to be big

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things it’s the little things day in and day out yeah it’s showing up in those

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ways that I think are most important so what I’m hearing you say and this is I love this kind of behind the scenes of

26:49

the male psyche this is super helpful um and then Kim your perspective on it too what I’m hearing you say is if I feel

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like my partner isn’t showing up for me the way I would like them to all I can

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control is me so how can I start pouring into them and showing up for them and

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see see what happens right see what unfolds it will likely Inspire them to

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start showing up differently uh but all I can control is me is that what I’m is that kind of a synopsis and to add on to

27:21

that if and and I always talk to my clients about lead with yourself you you you are who you are because it’s who you

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are not because what you’re gonna get by being who you are yes you know your values principles El least what you do

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in business and how you relate to your husband is about who you are not well if I do this for him then he’ll do the not

27:40

quid proquo right so when I as as one person in this relationship if the woman says all right I’ve showed up I’ve shown

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up I’m giving him what he told me he wants and needs he’s like oh this is awesome yeah and he’s not doing it

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you’ve earned the right to say hey babe you really like the way I’m showing up you oh my God you’re awesome did can I

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share with you what’s important to me and and the way that you can best

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support me and showing up for me and getting my needs met as well you’ve earned the right you’ve earned the right

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because you’re doing it you’re not saying you never you won’t you always you can’t because and you’re not showing

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up for them you haven’t earned it right but if I’m if I can if you go oh my gosh I’m so happy content fulfilled you love

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my love tank is full okay let me share with you let me give you my road map

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right let me share with you the way that you can best support me and help me getting my needs met love that super

28:37

powerful I want to ask you both a question and this is something that’s come up a lot on our community calls

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recently where um the women come into our community and they start ascending

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and they start growing and they start learning and they start developing and they’re growing their business they’re

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shifting their uh their self worth they’re upleveling their mindset and

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it’s like they’re growing tremendously and not for everyone but

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for more than one the the complaint I hear the question it’s not really a

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complaint but it’s the question I hear is I’m growing so much and so fast and

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my partner’s not and it’s causing friction in the

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relationship what do I do and I think and some of the women are conscious enough to say like I’m scared to ascend

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to another level because I’m afraid I’m going to leave my partner behind and we can actually subconsciously like we can

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sabotage our money success our business success because we’re afraid we’re going to be alone we won’t be able to be in

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our partnership or our relationship because we’ve outgrown it how do we begin to approach that with our partner

29:46

if we’re noticing man I’m really growing here and they’re they’re not they’re

29:51

they’re staying where they are what does how do we even approach that Matthew I’ll lead with you and then Kim I’d love

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for you to jump in with with anything else you’d like to share you know at least when I work with anybody you know

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they may say hey I want to work with you professionally on how do I be strong relationships communication yeah I

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always come back to the personal side because when you have success in the personal relationship it informs and

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overflows everything right so having a growth mindset is critical and you know

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you’re on this journey for life with this person and you’re growing it should be as exciting for them as it is for you

30:29

because if your needs are getting Met My Success she takes Delight in My Success

30:35

she’s not like oh there he goes again you know he’s making he’s he he’s doing he’s doing but I can tell you what there

30:41

was a time in our relationship at leise where she would say why are you reading another self-help book don’t you don’t

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you don’t and she’s laughing because she was she she would say oh my gosh you have so many books and I said because

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I’m a I’m a student I said I don’t have it all and if I can read a book or experience of course and I can get one

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thing that I go oo I can use that I’m making myself stronger so she used to

31:06

criticize me or make fun of me kind of jab at me and then she was kind of like well wow he’s

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growing you all growing me yeah maybe I need to get on that bus and she did and

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I didn’t say you gotta and you’re gonna and do it the way I’m doing it but she did it her own way she took she went to

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Bible study she started reading books she said let’s do a video course together together right you know and so

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when when you’re growing and your partner isn’t it’s a point of friction you can invite them and open up and say

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if they’re not happy for your success it means that they’re not celebrating you

31:43

and they’re not you know and we all have those seasons and times and I when I work with a couple or an individual I

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say listen there’s gonna you’re gonna you you may outgrow them there’s going to come a time where you can say hey I’m

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on this great ride will you join me and they can go I’m going to get on the

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bus and start learning not doing your journey not going where you’re going maybe but either you have a growth

32:06

mindset because relationships El leas our relationship has been a roller coaster hot valleys mountain peaks kids

32:14

birth mental illness family issues you business issues right court cases you

32:21

name it right and so we’ve all been in those valleys and those mountain peaks and if we weren’t doing it in together

32:29

yeah it it would be a clear indication that there’s an issue so we can either fix the issue and say we can get on the

32:35

same page or it’s a it’s a break from or a break with and so there’s gonna come a time

32:42

and that’s a scary conversation but it’s like I’m invested in you and your growth and your success I need you to be

32:50

invested and prioritize me as well yeah it’s not 5050 it’s not I do half you do half it’s 100 100 and I think

32:58

that’s one of those Fierce conversations that you may have to have I’m committed to you and I love you and I’m

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prioritizing you all I want is for you to do the same for me wow Kim from your

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perspective yeah go ahead please yeah hopping on that bus like you said I mean I could have either just been left

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behind in the dust or I could have hopped on the bus and I did choose to

33:22

step up and it really started with my own individual growth first because I’m

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not going to be where he is he’s already been doing the work and I haven’t been doing the work and so I had to work on

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me and really you know decide what I needed and what are some things that I’m

33:39

lacking in and how can I better myself so that I can show up for him in a

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really positive and meaningful way and those are baby steps sometimes but I

33:51

really did do the homework and um then implemented um you know just some

33:58

different strategies to be able to meet him where he is and it it wasn’t easy

34:05

but once I started learning and growing and changing and wow all of these things

34:12

just came to me that you know I’ve just opened up all these beautiful Windows

34:19

into my relationship by having that will and desire to have a growth mindset yeah

34:26

I feel like you know you can either be left in the dust or you can hop on that bus and you can do it for yourself you

34:32

have to do it for yourself first but once you do it for yourself you can see how your relationship will grow and

34:37

flourish yeah and there’s Seasons at least there was a season where she had a job was gonna be a year long at our kids

34:43

school ton of responsibility ton of stuff going on and I knew for the next

34:49

year that I had to support her a specific way because she was in the spotlight and she was shining and I was fine with that wasn’t

34:56

going to be home a lot was going to be doing the things I wish and hope that she was doing as much but we talked

35:01

about it I knew it there’s a beautiful little boy right there I see life and

35:07

business sometimes your kids walk in on a they’re Ed it’s awesome I love it hey

35:12

buddy I’ve been in for those of you who are listening my son just walked in we’re in an interview baby you can

35:18

listen in okay I love it yeah so there that was one of those Seasons where I had to be going not my ego or how come

35:25

I’m not number one she still loved me she still appreciated me but I knew you know what it’s her time in the spotlight

35:31

and I’m going to focus this year on making sure a she’s shining I’m picking up a little more slack at home with the

35:38

kids and my job and and things that normally would happen I’m not going to complain because she’s where she’s

35:43

supposed to be growing and learning and demonstrating and a lot of guys struggle with that a lot of women might struggle

35:50

with that if they’re growing in the business and leading in that way so we all we all have those times in the

35:56

spotlight where the other spouse is like I got you and I’m gonna pick it up yeah this is so powerful I want to ask um one

36:03

final question and then ask where people can connect with you so what’s so beautiful when we have men on the show

36:08

too is I love to give them an opportunity to celebrate the women in their lives and um and so I want to just

36:15

ask you Matthew from your perspective what is it that makes Kim such a kick-ass wife for you she prioritizes me

36:24

Elyse above our human relationship is number one to her I know it I’m not

36:29

number one in her life you know we have a strong faith so I know it’s God first and me second and I wouldn’t have it any

36:35

other way because that’s my same commitment because our faith walk is in our and and who we are is huge to our

36:41

relationship it binds us together and so she’s kickass because she’s got that commitment to Faith which is important

36:47

to me it informs and strengthens our relationship and her as an individual but then after that I know that there’s

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no one else and nothing else more important to her than me and she tell

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shows me she tells me and she does things that make me feel it in big ways

37:05

and small ways all the time wow that’s so powerful thank you both for this I

37:11

feel like I could talk to you for hours I know that uh you all have an amazing

37:16

podcast you also offer coaching for couples will you share where people can go to connect and learn more about your

37:22

work and working with you if they want to hire you yeah, matthew

37:28

hoffman.com and you can look at uh we’ve got 138 episodes of the kickass couples

37:34

podcast people can find us on any platform and listen to those um we’ve got so many great resources at least I

37:41

do free relationship assessment calls if someone’s like okay there’s an obstacle there’s a roadblock there’s a barrier I

37:47

don’t know how to get around it or through it and you know I’m I’m I’m kind of a mission driven messenger and just

37:54

we’re we’re just trying to promote our uniqueness in in the service of others and we we’d love to help people get to

38:00

where they want to be and get their own relationship Nirvana amazing thank you we’ll link the website in the show notes

38:07

um I appreciate you all thank you for this conversation and um you all are just

38:12

doing amazing work so thank you I’ve learned a lot and grown a lot today just listening to you so thank you again so

38:18

much for coming on the show thanks for having us love to connect healings absolutely all right to you my listener

38:25

I hope that this has inspired you to either reinvigorate the relationship you

38:31

have or if you’re looking to call in a partner to think about how can I show up for that person before they’re even here

38:37

in my physical world right who do I want to be to create not just an

38:42

amazing business but also an amazing love relationship in my life so as always thank you for being a listener of

38:49

She Sells Radio and I’ll see you on our next episode bye for now.